Well, it certainly has been a hot minute since I was last here hasn't it? But let's do this thing!
Last Week: 134.9
This Week: 133.4
Difference: -1.5 pounds
Maintenance: Success!
I've been wanting to blog again for a bit, but finding the time has been not so easy. However - I have lots on my mind to get out so here goes.
I've been working towards getting back to a goal weight for over a year now. I can't even remotely remember when the last time I weighed 131 was. Sometime in the fall of 2019 I think... I know I was about 135-136 in March 2020 when everything shut down. And then with the pandemic, I fell back into a lot of bad habits with food, and started some new ones with drinking, and I found myself back up to about 145-146 in December of 2020.
I had that moment in my closest where I said to myself, "Man, will anything in here even fit me??" And that's when I said enough is enough. I ordered a new Beachbody program and started Monday 1/11.
I told myself I was going to get my nutrition under control and get back to 131. (Working out certainly wasn't my issue. I had completed two 6 week programs and a 4 week program on BOD without missing a day). I've been good - perfectly imperfect, but more days where I'm following the program than not.
So how did I come up with 131? Well, one day, probably back in the spring of 2019 (or maybe the fall of 2018?) I was driving to work and thinking how I felt really good in my body that day. I felt thin, strong, my clothes fit well... it was that goal feeling, ya know? So, I looked back on my weigh in that day and I was 131 and change. So that's how I came up with that number.
In January of this year I was 146 and I've been slowly edging my way down. I have not been perfect, but I have been trying. And I've been close recently. For a about a month or so I've been around 133.
And it got me thinking - why am I obsessed with these last two pounds? And is that really my goal?
First of all, what are these two pounds going to give me? Will I really feel that different? I mean, I'm at a healthy BMI, I'm a comfortable size 6 (everything in my closest fits again), I'm strong, I'm fit - and getting stronger and fitter every day... I can see my abs... What will I gain by losing 2 pounds other than the satisfaction of that number?
Second of all, is that really my goal? If I think about it, over the years, when I felt my best - my thinnest, fittest, happiest in my body, best - I was more like 124 pounds. But is that really reasonable and achievable at the age of 45? Is it necessary?
Coming to terms with being a size 6 instead of a 2/4 is hard. It's like - I know I'm healthy. I know many women would kill to be where I am in this journey. It's just... It's hard to get past that mindset.
I dunno. This is where my mental head space has been lately... It's been a hard struggle. And I'm still trying to process all of this. Do I really need those two pounds? Or should I just shift back to maintenance mode now? Will that make my happy? Or will I still subconsciously step on the scale each morning hoping for something different? And how will I find balance between wanting to enjoy things without always feeling like I need to be overly restrictive (and I know that it's a lifestyle and not a diet, but honestly there are times when I feel like if I'm not following some sort of plan with tracking and portion control then I just swing to the other side of the pendulum and the weight comes back on).
Which - brings me to my weekend confession:
Bless me Jean Nidetch for I have gone off program!
At the end of the week I finished with negative -68 points (and yes, I used my 67 FitPoints and 28 Weekly Points!). See this is what I was saying before - the balance between living life and enjoying the food and drink and staying at a goal weight that will keep me in my current pants size.
It really started at the beginning of the week with indulging in an extra glass of wine with dinner. Whoops, no blue dot. And then it continued the rest of the week. It also didn't help that I knew we were getting take out on Friday so it kind of put me in the mindset of "well, I'm going negative anyway, may as well do it properly". There was a Starbucks stop on Friday, in addition to the take out. Then, my daughter wanted to bake cinnamon buns (by herself!), which was awesome, but then of course I ate them because they were there. And then, sitting pool side in the summer is where my will power crumbles. I need to get more fresh mint and go back to making my mock-tails so that I'm not just drinking all day in the sun. For one, I sleep like crap when I drink too much, and two, it makes for a really rough workout at 5 am the next morning.
Well, that's all for this week. If you've read this far, thanks for listening to my random ramblings. Have a great week!
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